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May 20th, 2017
I have not updated this space since before 2017 started. There are a variety of reasons for that, and none of them are that I don't want to be updating this space or continuing to do the things I love to do, including writing, teaching, creating interesting things for you to look at, and maybe giving you a laugh here and there.
I know that a lot of my readers, and my friends in this community, know what it's like to deal with depression. I lapsed into a serious depression that made it very difficult to keep moving forward, probably sometime in November. I'm not really sure what caused it; can you really say what causes depression? It's somewhere between chemicals in my brain and the poetry of sadness, though it's not beautiful, or easy, or even cathartic. It's crooked and broken and rough around the edges, but most of all, it's exhausting. I've been exhausted.
To say that it's hard to be a freelancer and to suffer from depression is a massive understatement. Without any formal structure or clear expectations from the outside excepting small, limited-time agreements between myself and clients, it's almost hilarious, now, how easily one slips into nothingness. Almost half a year of my life with sunny spots scattered through, but mostly the chill of darkness.
In the beginning of January, I came back to Israel for my third trip. In April, I extended that trip another three months, both because I wanted to spend more time with my partner and because I had been almost completely unable to work and had no idea how I was going to buy a plane ticket and take care of myself in the US, for however long I'd be back: a detail that's still up in the air today. Being deeply depressed in an unfamiliar place adds more stress on that situation, and though I've had so many amazing times, made more friends, continued friendships, done new things, I only had so much energy for happiness. Only so much energy for doing.
I owe no one an explanation, but as I want to come back and dust off this place, somewhere that has been a thread through my life these past four and a half years, I also wanted to explain why it's been so quiet. I try to be honest with my readers; I know that any of you who have looked at this place through the time it's existed will know that I don't always have the energy to post every week, or even every month. I don't want to force myself to bring you sub-par content.
I also know that a lot of people out there deal with these things, and I'm always here to say: you're not alone.
I have some photos of amazing rope I have from Twisted Monk that should be taken this week. I also have an illustration that needs drawing to express my voyeuristic eye's love of clear masturbation sleeves. But I'm also working through some hard things in my relationship--having different citizenships will always put a relationship on hard mode--and trying to work and make as much money as I can before returning to the US, and trying to make a dress for a LARP I'm going to be in, and trying to work on other sewing projects that are clogging up my brain, and... You understand.
I'm feeling a lot better, but one needs to learn how to stretch out their brain after a long bout of depression. I feel better, but my stamina, my capacity for doing, is not as high as needed for all the things I want to do, want to get back to. I need to be patient with myself; we all need to be patient with ourselves.
Despite my lack of writing ability (until recently; baby steps!), I have been taking a lot of pictures thanks to the generosity of a friend, who let me borrow his (really intense!) camera gear. You can see some of those photos over on my [under construction] portfolio, which can be found at www.caitlin-m-murphy.com.
Hope you're all doing as well as you can.